‘ll admit that I’m still chiselling through Infinite Jest (with literally no end in sight) and I needed something to review. But then I remembered this effort by a local writer-in-training (the dark-contessa-like Marilyn Yokley), who roasted me with this in my retyrement (nyuk) party the other day. It’s a good example of how to lovingly roast someone – not cutting and sharp but rather just bringing aspects of a personality (in this case, mine) to bear.
And to Marilyn, as Cardinal Richelieu put it; “One must be careful what one writes… and who one gives it to.”
Roasting Robert Raymond
Robert… what can we say about Robert?
To start with, what’s with a guy that has two first names? I guess his family didn’t want to commit.
It used to be ‘roasts’ were reserved for the superstar people – like Justin Bieber. But now, any regular ol’ guy can be torn to shreds by a jury of his peers.
And when it’s a quirky IT guy like Robert, its just toooo easy.
Did you know Robert ‘bikes’ into work ever day? Yeah, he does… I am not talking about revving into the parking garage on a big fat Harley Hog – looking all cool in leather and an awesome pair of shades. No, not Robert.
Instead – he pedals into work on a ‘teeny-tiny folding bicycle’. Kinda like one of those oversized circus clowns or miniature bikes.
But we can’t be too hard on him – You gotta understand the hardships Robert has endured over the years.
When he gets to work – on his ‘teeny tiny folding bike’ – with bugs in his hair, and his sweaty clothes – he has to spend the day in his little square cubicle… and it isn’t easy to ‘think outside the box’ when you’re in a box all day.
I mean, working in a cubicle was tough on Robert. Even prison cells are bigger – and they have beds in them!
But day after day he dutifully bicycled into work – sat down at his computer – and had that same nagging feeling every day – that if he pushed the right button, he’d get a piece of cheese.
Yup….. not easy working in the cubicle. 23 power cords – and ONE outlet.
I think I really started to notice it was getting to him when he told me what his computer password was…
“Mickey Minnie Batman Supergirl WonderWoman London”
I asked him, “Why the weird password, Robert??” He told me passwords had be be five characters and a capitol.
After his morning coffee, he walks around the office showing his empty mug to everyone – and telling them he has ‘successfully installed Java’.
Yep, it’s time to retire, Robert.
If you know Robert at all – you know he realllly loves his cats…
He’s been kinda living in their world since he adopted them. He now refers ot the 14th floor men’s room as “using the litter box”.
Some of the guys asked Robert if he wanted to catch a football game. But Robert said “No…. he was going to play with a string that night.”
In seriousness, Robert…. You’ve brought your unique style and talents to FedEx and we will miss you.
Our best wishes for a happy retirement.
Pedal on, my friend…. Pedal on…